It was so long ago but still smells and sounds take me right back to that place.  I was 12 when it all started.  I remember I started my period on Christmas day, (what a gift from Santa).  The man I believed to be my father at the time was an alcoholic and didn’t have much to do with my everyday life, he was always too busy.  But then on that Christmas morning he cornered me in his room making jokes about me being a women now.  It felt odd to have him even talk to me, let alone about that.  From that day on things got worse what seemed to be everyday there was some kind of joke or comment.  My mom worked a lot and on Wednesday nights had bowling,  the first time he touched me I can’t remember why or what I was doing but I was next his bed and it was early in the morning.  He reached out and with a fist rubbed me in between my legs.  I remember I felt oquward and walked out of the room as soon as possible.  As an adult I look back and there was much more touching than I told people about.  I don’t think I realized then it was wrong.  But there was a lot of tickling and him wanting me to sit on his lap and him saying things to me that now are so completely inappropriate.  Over that first  6 months I had acquired through his guilt a TV in my room, a new stereo, a new water bed, toys anything I asked for.  And maybe I left things alone then because of all my “rewards”.  He asked me to keep the bathroom door cracked when I showered or changed into my swimsuit, he told me he would give me money if I did.  One night after about six months of this it was summer and my best friend and I were always going to the pool and movies, it was great.  My mom was home that night but already asleep, she was always taking benydryl due to she had terrible allergies and it made her sleep so deep.  I went into their room that night cause I saw my “dad” was still awake and asked him if he could take my friend and I to the movies the next day and we would need money.  He told me he would think about it and told me I needed to get to bed.  I wasn’t tired, so I watched TV in my room for a while.  After about 10 minutes he came in my room and sat on the edge of my waterbed, he was talking to me but I can’t remember about what.  I just remember at some point he pulled out his penis and started stroking it, he wanted me to touch it, he asked me to…. I told him no and put my head in my pillow.  He took my hand forced me touch it, when he was done, he left my room and told me he would take us to the movies and closed the door to my room.  The next day when he had me alone he told me that my mom would not believe me, ( I was a bit of a story teller at that time), he said that she loved him too much.  I believed him for a while.  Things just got worse and worse he would give me money daily (like $50 -$100 a day) and I was a stupid kid, I spent it all.  My best friend and I would go to the movies and go eat everything kids do.  One night I had had all I could take, things had gone to far and he raped me.  At this time I was 13 and about to start 5th grade.  I didn’t sleep I was eating all the time, I was always throwing myself at guys, my life was a disaster.  When I did finally tell I didn’t get the reaction that you would think.  My mom didn’t believe me.  She left him for a few months only to make my older brothers happy but then on Thanksgiving Day she welcomed him back into our home.  My whole life changed, he never touched me again but would continuously tell me in front of my mother he was sorry that I had to lie to get attention.  My mom even convinced my family at some point I was lying.  My mom wasn’t a bad person, as a matter a fact she is my best friend now.  My mom was lonely and he had money and she didn’t and she thought she couldn’t make it without him.  She had no self esteem.  When I was 19 he left her for another women and my mom FINALLY found her strength.  We talk now about it and she says how sorry she is and that she does believe me.  It means so much!  I talked to my “Dad” after I had moved out years later I wanted him to know I forgave him but he was sick and he looked at me and told me “it was both our faults what happened”.  He believed since I ran around the house in a shirt and panties, or went from the bathroom to my room in a towel.  I finally in the last year have been able to talk about it and find my true inner strength.  I believe because of him I dated a man who would beat me and degrade me.  My life up to this year was a serious of disasters but thanks to God, and my son and my fiancee I am able to enjoy Christmas again and not gag at the smell of Old Spice.  I still have so much work to do but I getting better everyday!