April 10, 2010 (Austin, Texas) – Tiffani Wampler spoke at SafePlace’s Field Day 2010, she spoke out about her experience and why it is so important to begin the healing process and let someone know about the abuse. Click the video link below to watch her short, but moving speech that opened the day’s events.
Join the forum discussion on this post - (1) Posts60% of abuse isn’t reported!!! It doesn’t surprise me, but I hope we can change it in the future. The only way the cycle stops is when we report the abuse!!!
Even if you more out, leave, or tell a friend…the abuse could be happening to someone else. Allowing the authorities to take over will only give you greater odds in the justice system protecting you and preventing it from happening to someone else!!
Hugs
Tiffani
While talking to a friend of mine today, she had a good question:
Is it normal for my dad to just walk around like nothing happens?
She later explained that after he touches her he’ll just go pay the bills, watch tv, or some other random/daily activity. I think it is a valid point to understand that people who choose to abuse their children, or even strangers DO NOT walk around with their head hung in shame or announcing what they have done. It is their point to remain as normal as possible and to fit into society so that they can continue to harm others.
Please be aware, that even the nicest man/woman, the leader of your church, or neighbor are people who could abuse. The key is to understand the signs of abuse and educate those around us on how to protect/tell so that we can do something about it.
Silence is their friend.
Tiffani
After watching Oprah today I can honestly say I cannot imagine having survived what Gregg endured at such a young age. I agree with Oprah that it is quite a miracle that he has lived a successful life along with maintaining some sort of normal in relationships with his wife, family, and son. I am almost speechless as to how it made me feel to watch someone I “know” talk about the pain the abuse caused their life.
Having to feel the need to protect his siblings has got to be a huge weight at any age, much less 9 years old and up. No child should ever understand that kind of suffering, nor be the protector of their family when they are unable (due to reality of age) protect themselves. I am so sorry that this was the case and I am quite thankful that there was a day Gregg realized in order to save his sister he had to get out; in turn he saved himself.
There has got to be some sort of justice to those who commit such horrendous crimes! No child should ever endure what this man or millions of other children are going through on a daily basis.
Gregg, I am so proud of you for sharing your story and stopping the cycle of abuse in your family. I am certain you have reached millions today and of that, thousands will speak up (we can hope, right?) !!!! Hugs to you and yours.
Hugs,
Tiffani Wampler
11 Comments on “Appear to be normal” Gregg Milligan (Oprah show)
I have many thoughts after watching today’s show, but first a HUGE thanks to Oprah for having the courage to face those men. I have wanted to get inside the heads of abusers for many years. I have never understood what could possibly make it okay in someones head to touch/harm a child, little less their own child. Though there are many more questions, she has certainly hit the nail on the head with this one. Thanks.
I do believe that David said it correctly (I apologize for not having a direct quote) “I murdered the girl she could have been.” This is exactly how I feel each and every day. I have no idea who I could have been and all the dreams I could have fulfilled without the abuse being in my life. There is no reason any child should feel this pain. I did not deserve this pain! Even through all the confessions from each abuser, I still wonder why it had to be me. Was I the frail victim my father sought out, or was I just the easy target because I adored my father for just simply being my father? Either way, it happened, and I cannot change that now.
It was validating to hear about the grooming process they go through. Darren touched on massage being a part of it. So that the victim is used to having their perpetrators hands on them. This is all so very true and very close to home! My father spent a couple of years touching my back, my feet, and my legs through all the growing pains. Even a year ago I did not see this as part of his grooming technique but it was all the same. Jim picked up on his victim sitting in his lap. I was 16 and still sitting in my father’s lap. It is a harsh reality of how comfortable abusers can make you feel with grooming.
They all touched on the signs in which parents should look for to understand if their child is being sexually abused. Though I agreed with all that were said, what was left out, is that those are also signs of many other things…therefore just because your child suddenly is depressed does not mean that they are being abused. The key is having a close enough relationship with your child so that they trust their world is not going to shatter if they tell you what is really going on. Yes, a child’s mood does seem to change, but mine never did. I over acted. I acted proud and happy, but I was always that way. Yes a child’s appearance may change. I can relate to that one as I never got out of my pajama’s in school. There are many signs, but to be on the safe side I think the most important thing a parent can offer is a safe place for their child to talk and be heard.
First, always believe what your child tells you in regards to abuse. Only 4% of children make up the story of being sexually abused. Therefore, over all, if a child is sharing with you (no matter the person) that they are being abused, do not disagree, minimize, or act as if they are making it up. There are many ways to prove the abuse is happening, but in the years I have spent working with children I have learned that they will tell you the truth when it comes to abuse.
And of course, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! It is never the child’s fault for the abuse. I don’t care if the child stood their naked on top of a grown man/woman. It is the adults responsibility to act age appropriate and teach what is right, NOT the other way around.
Hugs,
Tiffani Wampler
There are many ways to heal from sexual abuse/assualt. Here are some of the key factors I have found to be worth knowing and understanding:
1) be honest with yourself: not everyone needs to know all the details, but you certainly have to be able to look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that this happened in your life. Don’t focus on what you can’t remember or what may be a foggy haze, but do focus on understanding what being sexually abused can bring into your life.
2) Talk. Talk. Talk.: this is not easy. It is one of the more complicated processes when it comes to healing, but it’s a must. If talking for you means journaling at this time during your healing process, then that is okay. But you have got to get it out. Allowing it to fester inside of you only creates more harm than good. The faster you can admit to yourself that you were indeed abused, the faster you will start to live a healthy/normal life.
3) Understand “normal”: normal is not defined by anyone else but you. You know what is normal for your life. Yes, society may have the ideal picture of what your life should look like, but in the end it is YOUR life and you own it! Trust yourself enough to define the real you.
4) Have a safe group: these are people you know you can call at any time of day/night and they will listen to you word for word and offer a hug in the darkest moments. Everyone may have a different role. One friend may be really great at distracting you. Other friends are good listeners but really can’t offer advice. Certain people are great at getting you to see the reality and not just your fear. Try to understand the people on your list as to what they can contribute. Do not run to someone in a time of need if you know they cannot handle your story of being abused.
5) Read books/blog sites/survivor stories: Understanding that you are not alone will help you tremendously. I do promise that someone out there has felt everything you have felt. That someone shares your pain and understands you better than you even realize. Finding books can be your greatest weapon to heal. There are many books that offer different healing solutions, I welcome those into your life, however I felt that finding other survivors who could relate to my fears and reality was more helpful than a therapeutic book offering advice.
6) Get help: Help comes in all forms. For me, I have found great healing with Dr. Leslie Barnes. She has allowed me to heal in the time I want to, not what she thinks is necessary. Finding the right therapist or support group is vital to your healing process. If you are uncomfortable with your therapist it will only be that much easier to ignore therapy and/or healing. Don’t feel like the first therapist you set an appointment with has to be the one. Trust yourself to know that you will be to talk easier if you feel you can trust the person whom you are speaking with.
These are just a few of the essentials in healing that worked for me. Do believe in yourself and the courage it takes to heal. This is not a one day process. It can take a year, two, maybe ten but in the end you will be a happier/healthier person by taking the time to heal. I applaud any effort you take towards healing. I believe in you.
You can do this!
Hugs,
Tiffani Wampler
Surviving sexual abuse is one of the most difficult tasks that any human being can be faced with. Not only is it physically demeaning, but it is an emotional rollercoaster that more often than not ends with suicide. Thankfully, I am alive today to share my story and say “’I AM A SURVIVOR!” However, I would not be where I am if I didn’t have the support of my family and friends to get me through the dark times.
Part of the support group is the legal system that many victims and survivors fear. The system does not work for us. It is a place that protects the perpetrator, “innocent until proven guilty.” It is the main reason victims fear turning their abuser in when it should be the number one support group that comforts us and provides us with the proper steps in reporting the assault and abuse. Having stipulations on when a survivor can turn in any form of abuse is completely unjust to mankind. It takes years to understand what the abuse was, how it happened, and learning how to deal with the daily guilt that comes along with being abused. Not only do survivors often blame themselves, but they suffer from depression and anxiety when trying to confront the issues at hand.
It is important that survivors and supporters all group together to educate the world on the effects of sexual abuse. It is a viscous cycle that often takes more than five years to come to terms with in order to begin the healing process. Part of that healing process is learning how to turn your abuser in, finding comfort that the system will believe you, and learning that as a survivor you are protected by state laws. The emotional trauma is too much to put a stipulation on when you can turn someone in. Together we can make a difference and change the civil law!
One of the many symptoms sexual abuse survivors write about is their inability to let things go. It’s very consuming to hang on to emotional baggage, however that emotional baggage is often what has kept us alive. What may appear to be a small gesture to a person who didn’t survive sexual abuse, is larger than life in our eyes. It’s those little thing that really help us get through our dark moments and continue to be pressing issues even years later.
It’s important to understand that this is a normal response to being sexually abused. It’s not as if we are consciously making the choice to dwell, but rather have no idea how to more forward. The past lingers in every which way, good or bad. Unfortunately, the bad stuff over shadows the good causing (once again) the little things in life to really add up. It’s the only way we know to survive. Hanging on to a thread, when really we’d rather have an entire blanket of love wrapped around us. Feeling safe is something we cannot conceive which only gives a greater need to hold on to positve things.
One of the things I tend to hang on to is past relationships. Friendships or more, either way they are all very important to me. I have a hard time letting go of toxic relationships as well. I can easily complain about someone and their behaviors but I have little motive to actually let them go. I am learning that I can make choices to let people go and realize that their feelings aren’t always more important than mine. I am capable of putting myself first in these instances. However, I will admit, this is the hardest challenging I have faced in a while. I adore people. I am a social butterfly, but there is no need to hang onto something that is only causing me pain.
Feelings like this go hand in hand with the fear of being abandoned by those we love. It’s a very real concern and something that survivors fear in every relationship. We are damaged goods, so we think. Therefore, it’s only a time bomb for someone to leave us.
THAT ISN’T TRUE! We are able to love and give love just like the rest of the world receives/gives. We are capable of loving ourselves and finding inner peace. It may be a longer journey than the person sitting next to you who has no idea you were abused, BUT it is possible!
Hugs
Tiffani Wampler
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