I have many thoughts after watching today’s show, but first a HUGE thanks to Oprah for having the courage to face those men. I have wanted to get inside the heads of abusers for many years. I have never understood what could possibly make it okay in someones head to touch/harm a child, little less their own child. Though there are many more questions, she has certainly hit the nail on the head with this one. Thanks.
I do believe that David said it correctly (I apologize for not having a direct quote) “I murdered the girl she could have been.” This is exactly how I feel each and every day. I have no idea who I could have been and all the dreams I could have fulfilled without the abuse being in my life. There is no reason any child should feel this pain. I did not deserve this pain! Even through all the confessions from each abuser, I still wonder why it had to be me. Was I the frail victim my father sought out, or was I just the easy target because I adored my father for just simply being my father? Either way, it happened, and I cannot change that now.
It was validating to hear about the grooming process they go through. Darren touched on massage being a part of it. So that the victim is used to having their perpetrators hands on them. This is all so very true and very close to home! My father spent a couple of years touching my back, my feet, and my legs through all the growing pains. Even a year ago I did not see this as part of his grooming technique but it was all the same. Jim picked up on his victim sitting in his lap. I was 16 and still sitting in my father’s lap. It is a harsh reality of how comfortable abusers can make you feel with grooming.
They all touched on the signs in which parents should look for to understand if their child is being sexually abused. Though I agreed with all that were said, what was left out, is that those are also signs of many other things…therefore just because your child suddenly is depressed does not mean that they are being abused. The key is having a close enough relationship with your child so that they trust their world is not going to shatter if they tell you what is really going on. Yes, a child’s mood does seem to change, but mine never did. I over acted. I acted proud and happy, but I was always that way. Yes a child’s appearance may change. I can relate to that one as I never got out of my pajama’s in school. There are many signs, but to be on the safe side I think the most important thing a parent can offer is a safe place for their child to talk and be heard.
First, always believe what your child tells you in regards to abuse. Only 4% of children make up the story of being sexually abused. Therefore, over all, if a child is sharing with you (no matter the person) that they are being abused, do not disagree, minimize, or act as if they are making it up. There are many ways to prove the abuse is happening, but in the years I have spent working with children I have learned that they will tell you the truth when it comes to abuse.
And of course, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! It is never the child’s fault for the abuse. I don’t care if the child stood their naked on top of a grown man/woman. It is the adults responsibility to act age appropriate and teach what is right, NOT the other way around.
Hugs,
Tiffani Wampler
