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Trusting me to be me. Is that possible?

  • Posted on December 22, 2009 at 5:15 pm

Good question. While there is great need for people to understand who they are no matter what type of childhood they have been presented with, I find that survivors of abuse (no matter what kind) deal with this struggle constantly. We were raised one way, and even though we completely understand it was not the right way, it was who we were for so many years.

For instance, I was raised to think that men only desire women on a sexual level. OUCH! So it took me many years to understand that my self worth is greater than only sex, that I as a person, am not defined by sex. WoW..but that was a difficult task and years of work. In all honesty, I am still struggeling with it today. I know that I need to learn healthy boundaries in order to maintain adult relationships, including those with my husband, but that does not mean the change is over night or easy.

For years I have been the women who joked sexually with everyone. If someone had a personal question they knew to ask me because I would certianly provide an honest answer and wouldn’t judge them one way or another. I know so many deep secrets about everyone in life and part of this is because I am so very open/honest with everyone. I like that about me. I like that people know they can trust me. I like knowing people want to lean on me for particulars in their life they feel they have no one else to run to. That is a good thing. So this level of honesty has gotten me places that not all people can talk about.

BUT this level of honesty doesn’t work for my marriage. As my sexual banter with men and women brings forth the trust issues that we struggle with because I chose to cheat when we were engaged. OUCH (again)!!! I know the pain I caused and the confusion my husband must feel. So there are areas about myself I agreed I would change to better myself and our relationship. First, do note I agree the changes need to be made. Second, do understand I am making them for myself. However, this is really hard work as it presents a struggle with who I have always been and where I want to be in life. WHo I am versus who I think I should be; completely incompatable at this very moment.

I want to be a women who is well respected, trusted, intelligent, a great mother, sister, and friend. I want to be someone who at the end of the day is still content with the choices they have made. Typically, this is who I am to all my friends and family but then I disect my marriage and I worry what will it be? Does my husband have the patience to wait on me to correct the things that have hurt him in the past? Does he want to give me the time to realize what I need to fix for myself, not for him?

I already know the answers. Do know that my husband is aware of this inner struggle I have. I have shared with him the very difficulty it is to baiscaly change 17 years of who I have been (starting with the abuse). I do understand I am a WIP and I do feel I always will be, but at some point I need to wake up to who I really am versus who I wish I was.

The reality is I was abused. Because of that abuse I do things a little differently. I am normal and do normal things for those who have been abused, such as cheat. Self harm is huge in abuse. I choose not to cut, drink, abuse drugs, or anything that physically harms myself. But I have spent 17 years destroying relationships as it is easier to A) live with the drama, B) not have a relationship at all. I do not want to be alone, nor end my marriage. This is not where all of this is going.

What I want people to understand is that it’s okay to have no idea how to define yourself or to know what is “normal.” No one person can truly define normal, therefore we shall define what we feel is normal for us.

I am not  blaming my past choices on the abuse. I do not use my abuse to excuse my behaivors or choices I have made in life. But the reality is, the abuse does reflect in the mirror while I stand there even after all this time.  It’s like the person who was an alcoholic, who stopped drinking for 10 years but later dies of liver failure. Though, they did the right thing and moved towards a healthy lifestyle, they still dealt with the struggles that years of abuse brought to their life. So there will be things I continuously do simply because I was abused. That need not be over looked. We are all who we are because of the circumstances we have lived through. I AM NO DIFFERENT! Nor are any other survivors out there.

So much work. Totally exhausted today.

Tiffani Wampler

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A Beautiful World by Gregg Milligan

  • Posted on December 22, 2009 at 9:34 am

I am so very grateful to have stumbled upon the Gregg Milligan story and to have him actually email me through LAS! What a great find! Not only is he supportive and understanding, but he believes deeply that raising his son in a home without abuse is his greatest achievement. Kuddos Gregg, as I couldn’t agree with you more. I am super excited about reading A Beautiful World. With Greggs permission I have decided to blog about my experiences and reactions to the book. I am certain reading it will cause many emotions that I have never experienced with someone else’s story. I should have the book on my doorstep after the holidays.

Hugs,

Tiffani Wampler

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Raising beautiful children

  • Posted on December 22, 2009 at 9:17 am

I was asked how I feel about parenting my own children. Can I hug them? Can I bathe them? Can I love them without worry that I won’t cross boundaries? How do I tell them I love them? What do I do to make sure they are safe? Do they have a relationship with my father? Do they know about the abuse? and so forth.

Parenting is a challenging task for anyone who doesn’t suffer PTSD, much less someone who does. I have a hard time with that label, but for the sake of over explaining myself we will run with it. Before I was a mother, I could never imagine anyone ever hurting their own child, or anothers. As a mother, I feel that deeper than I could have imagined it would actually feel like. I love being a mom. I love that I have a chance to raise three beautiful boys who will grow up to understand a woman’s worth! But, it hasn’t always been easy.

The only time I have actually freaked out during a parent moment was when my oldest kiddo was 18months old. He was not cut currectly with his curcumsion and therefore, he would get a penis infection often. It would require extra cleaning and a cream to placed on him through out the day with diaper changes. The medicine didn’t burn but for some reason he would just throw a fit about it all. I hated every moment of it. I was seperated from my ex, so I was the only one who could it in my house. After each time I would have to take a moment to calm myself and move on to play Candy Land or some other task with him to show him I love him. I felt like the worse parent in the world but I knew if I didn’t apply the cream that he would hate me worse for “destroying” a part of him (physically). Since then, we have continued to follow doctor orders  but at least now he is old enough to do it on his own. Phewwww, I survived that :)

I do not have any other issues with touching my children. Bathing them is not an issue, nor is lotioning my son’s senstive skin. However, that is not the norm. Many people have a difficult time touching their children rather in love or need be to do simple things like clean a booboo. It is important to remember that you are not doing to your child as what was done to you. You are assisting your child in a healthy way that will cause them to grow into healthy children. Though it may be emotionally easier for you to not hug your child, in the long run your child will grow resentment towards you for not being there. Of course, when they are an adult you could explain to them why you reacted the way you did, but could you imagine going through life without healthy hugs? I certianly cannot!

Saying I love you may be a challenge as well. After all, you only know a sick and twisted love. Therefore, what is love? What is healthy love that respects boundaries? These are all tools that are common sense to those who have not been abused, but for us we were never taught what healthy boundaries are in any aspect of our lives, including parenting! Therefore, if these are things you questions and are unsure of, please speak to a doctor or therapist about appropriate behaviors with children. We all know NOT to touch them THERE, but things like not hugging will have an impact on them.

Try to focus on what type of “dream” parent you wanted. I wanted a father to hug me when I was sad. A dad who could give me guy advice without agenda. A dad who would fix my car and not get jealous because my boyfriend was with me at the time. I wanted a father who respected my body and understood it was not his playground. I wanted to feel safe and not need a bedroom door lock. Therefore, because I know what I wanted, I can focus on giving that to my children. You’re children cannot hurt you. They will not get mad at you because you make small screw ups (lets all understand we will never be perfect, nor anyone else) but they will certainly hate you if you do the opposite of what should have been in your life.

An important part of my life is knowing the signs of when I am about to freak out, children around or not. This way I can make sure that I am not having a break down infront of my children. Extremely, important so my children understand (or at least think) I can handle ups and downs in a healthy manner. Therefore, if you know that giving your children a bath is going to freak you out, it is okay to ask for help. However, for the single parents out there, is left with little options for help. Make sure you are able to communicate everything you need from the people around you. IT IS OKAY TO ASK FOR HELP! Don’t worry what people will think. Odds are the ones you’d ask help from understand this part of you.

My step son who is 11 does know I was abused. We allowed him to watch the GMA clips. He does not know the extent of the abuse or that this website even exists. It is important for me that all my children grow up knowing my truths, however it is all age appropriate. My six year old does not know any of this. He has seen pictures of my father and I will explain to him that he is his biological grandfather (of coure I had to explain that) but that he will never be part of his life. That was easy for him then, who knows when he gets older what questions he will bring to me. I do not keep the pictures of my father out, or talk about him infront of my children, therefore it keeps questions to a minimum.

With that said, my children will NEVER be around my father. I do not understand anyone, even if they have forgiven their abuser, who would want their child infront of them. I do not feel this is an “illness” that they heal from. No matter how much work one may do, the odds are they will abuse again. It might be a few years after they have “forgiven” themselves and moved forward, but I feel that those who could put thier own children infront of their abuser or a child molesters is only putting their child in harms way. I have been asked how I feel about supervised visits and I STORNGLY DISAGREE with those as well, as my father would touch me infront of people all the time. It only takes someone to turn their head for them to do something. They are masters at covering up the abuse, don’t be fooled into thinking otherwise.

I know this is a difficult subject. Talking about parenting is never easy especially when you are convinced you will somehow screw your kids up. I promise you that the mistakes you will make (as long as you are not abusive) will not amount to those mistakes made in your life. There is a day when you can hug your child and trust that it is only a hug.

Hugs,

Tiffani Wampler

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Sex

  • Posted on December 21, 2009 at 2:54 pm

One of the more complicated task survivors face is learning how to enjoy something they were robbed of as a child. Some survivors are completely capable of going through the physical motions sex offers, but they do not allow themselves to get emotionally attached. Other people may choose to refrain from sex all together as it takes them back to the sexual abuse. Of course there is the inbetween people, but the first two are the more “typical” responses of having sex and sexual relations.

I am the first one. I am capable of having no emotions during sex therefore making a long term relationship even more complicated. Thankfully, I am quite emotioanlly bonded with my husband, but that has taken years of hard work and therapy to get there. Before him, and while I was waiting on my father to go to prison it was easy to go through the motions of sex and never  once get attached to the person I was sleeping with. It didn’t cause many problems for me, in the moment, but looking back I know I did not make healhty decisions. I do not know how it effected the men in my life at that time, as I do not talk to them now, but I can recall a few questions of why sex was not an issue for me. If I had not found such a patient and understanding husband, I am sure I would still be struggeling with this issue as there was no need to work on it, until it became a problem.

For the survivors who choose to not have sex, I completely understand the feeling. It is extremely challenging to get in a safe zone while doing something that was once so painful and hurtful to you. However, in the long run you are damaging yourself and potential relationships. There is a way to have safe/emotional sex without sending yourself into a downward spiral. Set rules. Make sure you can explain to your partner what freaks you out or causes a trigger. Even if you cannot express why, they should completely understand they just need to follow the rule. One rule may be soemthing like “you can’t be tied up”. This is a typical fantasy for many, but there is nothing wrong with you just because you can’t stand it. For me, I cannot wear anyhing on face, not even a sleeping mask. We all have our things that don’t work for us. IT is okay to express those . Learning to trust your instincts and your partner is huge here.

My husband understands that I am open to trying different things with him, but he knows that if in any moment I need to stop that he has no choice but to listen. Sometime we have to go as far as stopping sex all together, other times we can just do something different and move forward. Either way, this is one area he doesn’t fight me on or try to convince me otherwise. It hasn’t always been easy, but as we get deeper into the sexual abuse he understands that there are just boundaries he needs to not ever cross.

Does this mean it will always be this way? ABSOLUTELY NOT! There are things I can enjoy now that used to freak me out and send me into total depression, that I can certainly be involved in now. I don’t fear too much when it comes to sex, but I am still completely capable of turning off my emtions even with my own husband. It is all about working towards a goal. My goal is to understand total saftey with him. I am sure we will get there, but baby steps are needed.

Hugs to all and their healing process.

Tiffani Wampler

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T’is the Season

  • Posted on December 18, 2009 at 8:36 pm

I know I typically only blog about my healing process or things I find in the media, but tonight I wanted to take time to be thankful for the gifts I have in my life. I am very blessed, despite my up  bringing, with more than just a handful of things to be grateful for. I have to first thank my husband who is more than just the light of my life. He is my best friend at times, he feels like the only person I know who will love me throughout my ordeals. I have issues that are not in his control that do effect our relationship on a daily basis. I know that this will not always be the case as I continue to heal, but it is the circumstance for now.

I have to thank the members of my family who actually support me. I don’t want to call them out by name as then to “single” out the ones who I feel no support from would only cause more havic in my life then need be. However, those who do support me and take time to read my sight your actions speak louder than words! Thanks so much for caring enough to read my words and what my life was/is really like.

To the “fans” of the site, I am grateful to be helping you out and in turn you give me the gift of healing as well. I help out for no other reason then to help end this horrible epidemic, but I will say I do get a lot back while helping. NOt only do I love emailing back and forth about our trials and tribulations, but I also take great pride in knowing I talked someone off the ledge or was able to offer an ear of support when they thought no one else cared. Hugs to you and all that you will continue to go through as you heal. I do promise it is all worth it. It will not be easy, but then again, I never said it was.

Hugs,

Tiffani Wampler

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Why I speak out….

  • Posted on December 16, 2009 at 7:03 pm

This is not about me outing my father or airing my family’s dirty laundry…this is about bringing awareness to the general public about the effects sexual abuse has on society and one’s soul. There is no reason any person or child should ever suffer sexual abuse from the hands of anyone. The more we are able to speak out, the more likely we will assist someone in turning their abuser in or even save their life as statistically suicide is much greater from a sexual abuse survivor.

I will continue this mission to do my  part in making this world a better place. It is not going to be easy. There will be many questions and misunderstandings caused by the media, but the one fact remains the same: I WAS A VICTIM OF INCESTUAL ABUSE!

I applaud everyone’s efforts who can come forward, speak out, and assist in ending this heinous crime!

Hugs,
Tiffani Wampler

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I AM OUTRAGED!

  • Posted on December 15, 2009 at 2:05 pm

I will Google myself from time to time just to see what the world is putting out there. However, I just found a few links to the GMA appearance that is pissing me off!  First off, they are saying I talk about my “five year relationship with my father.” THIS WAS NEVER A RELATIONSHP! I did not ever ask for it, want it, agree to it, need it, or think it was a proper thing for him to do. How dare they use those words. After asking several people’s opinions (those who have been abused and those who have not) they all agree, the title makes it sound consensual.

The media has got to learn that their spin on these reports is huge and continues to impact the way people percieve those who have survived sexual abuse! In no way should the media ever call it a relationship! For crying out loud! I am beyond disgusted. I am working on figuring out how to contact them now as this is completely unjust.

We have all got to get together and educate the world on what this form of abuse really is. The effects are beyond any “relationship” a father and daughter should have!

Tiffani Wampler

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Gregg Milligan Story

  • Posted on December 14, 2009 at 3:30 pm

After reading about his story on abcnewsI am angered and annoyed that people have to suffer this type of abuse. I don’t understand how anyone could hurt a child,  little less their own child. I will never understand what my father was thinking when he thought it appropriate to touch me. I am not sure that I am strong enough to hear his denial since he is so convinced it was my fault. However, I do know that there has got to be an answer to this epidemic.

My heart bleeds for this man and his family. There is no just cause for any human to have to suffer through years of abuse! Hugs to you, Gregg. Good luck on your healing process! Please trust that you are worth the chaos and drama that will come while trying to heal, but I promise it does get better; life gets better!

Hugs,

Tiffani Wampler

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I’m better now, thanks!

  • Posted on December 12, 2009 at 5:45 pm

Okay, I had a few bad days. It wasn’t pretty. I did spend most of my time crying a river, but I am a better person for getting through it. Once again I am proving how strong I really am.

As a reminder…the one things I talk about in my speeches more than anything is giving oneself permission to feel. This meands the good and the BAD. I am so sorry abuse happens in today’s society, however, the reality is IT ISN’T PRETTY. Surviving the abuse is a huge ordeal! If you are reading this and have been abused (any form) then I am so very proud of you for taking the steps to realize how important you are to this world and you are CAPABLE  of healing. With that said, you must understand that we are all going to have a bad day, hell even a few in a row. What is important is to take time to feel. Allow yourself to get in a bad mood and cry if that’s how you choose to handle it all.

Do take time to look for the signs of a depression. If this “bad mood” repeats itself for weeks at a time, then I’d consult a specialist or call the hotline, but more importantly take time to take care of you!

I am no exception to this rule. I am allowed to have a few bad days. I am allowed to feel and get upset at how I feel. I don’t agree when people say “you can choose to have a good day or a bad day.” To those people: how much of reality do you ignore if you are always choosing to have a good day?

No matter what you are feeling, feel it! Good or bad, it doesn’t matter. There are tools to learn how to have more good days than bad, but ignoring the bad often leads to ignoring what is going on in the world around you.

Take time to breathe.

Hugs

Tiffani Wampler

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Hating who I am but excited about who I will become!

  • Posted on December 8, 2009 at 9:14 pm

There are so many side effects to be sexually abused. Learning to like yourself has got to be one of the hardest symptoms to over come. On the surface I am okay with me. I love helping other people, sharing my story, and assisting in other people’s progress to their healing path. I have never denied the fact that I am still in therapy and today is certainly a day where I needed her on speed dial.

I know that I have no concepts of what a normal and healthy relationship can be. I was taught at a very early age that sexual attention is how we get attention. I was not taught to use my intelligence to gain respect and love from other people. Thus, I have treated myself like crap in thinking I can only have positive attention from people through sexual experiences/attention. I do not like that I am this way. Though I know that this has been an ongoing issue, by no means does that mean I have been completely honest with myself and those I love.

Truth, I do not know how to have a relationship. I can parent, but damn this marriage stuff is hard work. I do believe one can have a successful relationship having not dealt 100% with the past, but I am learning that having not dealt with this particular issue continues to create problems that I do not own the tools to fix. I use sexual banter to continue a conversation or to gain the attention of whom I am speaking to. This is not healthy. It has created many issues within my marriage because I do not know when I should stop at a joke or conversation with men/women.

I have always been a huge flirt and to a degree my husband agreed there is a healthy amount one can flirt. I take it too far. I push the envelope to the point of giving others the hope that a) it could happen, b) I actually want it to happen, and/or c) that they then start wanting more. This is not my goal. I do not want people to think I want them in ways I only desire my husband. I want my husband to understand that I only love him and want him sexually. However, I do gain attention rather the right kind or not.

So I am working on a new plan. I can’t say what the plan is. I will need to do my research on it, read a few more books, and talk to my therapist. However, I know that this is a huge problem interfering with my marriage.

Hugs,

Tiffani Wampler

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