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SafePlace’s Field Day 2010 – Tiffani Speaks Out

  • Posted on April 10, 2010 at 4:05 pm

April 10, 2010 (Austin, Texas) – Tiffani Wampler spoke at SafePlace’s Field Day 2010, she spoke out about her experience and why it is so important to begin the healing process and let someone know about the abuse.  Click the video link below to watch her short, but moving speech that opened the day’s events.

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Is spanking sexual abuse?

  • Posted on January 18, 2010 at 8:47 pm

I have spent the past week doing research on sexual abuse. I have found some fantastic information and resources that just prove that we are NOT crazy! LOL. It is so important that we all get on board to start understanding that we are “normal.” It may not be what society views as “normal” but we are normal for how we grew up and all that we endured. Sexual abuse has many symptoms, responses, and feelings…all of which is completly OK!

One article I found very intersting is about spanking being considered sexual abuse. I was spanked all of four times in my childhood all of which were before the abuse ever started. After reading this article I do not consider those spankings sexual abuse, HOWEVER I do agree with what this woman endured as a child and many others like her, did experience sexual abuse. You are not alone if you feel that your beatings were more about getting someone off then punishment.

She described in great detail the way her father would make her bend over further and further, bare bottom, and she didnt dare put her hands on her bottom as that only resulted in more beatings. WOW. It was a hard read and could cause so many triggers for those who were abused in the same ways.

Hugs.

Tiffani Wampler

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Physical Pain from Emotional Pain?

  • Posted on January 14, 2010 at 6:45 pm

No, the pain is not in your head! Yes, you actually feel the pain. The pain is real. No one is telling you there is no pain. However, the truth is, our bodies deal with emotional pain physically. After years of being sexually abused it is only common that you are going to have physical symptoms that don’t add up in your head.

I know first hand what that pain feels like. I went through years of diagnoses. I did have Endometriosis, cervical cancer (twice), and many other female “issues”, but over all I started physically feeling better after a few years of constructive therapy, doing this site, and talking openly to those I trust. I still have days where I think the physical pain is stemming from something emotional, but I don’t have the tools to totally recognize that right now.

Taking pain pills can help. I do not have an addictive personality, even while depressed. Just know that it is easy to get addicted to something when you are depressed. Make sure you look for those signs. If you wake up popping pills, feel as though you cannot function with out them, or start getting them from friends then it is time to talk to a doctor about the amount of pills you are taking.

What kind of physical pains do you think you have from being abused?

Hugs,

Tiffani

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Enjoying sex?

  • Posted on January 13, 2010 at 8:52 am

Do you find it difficult to enjoy sex? To be confident with your sexual desires? To admit you have particular fantasies that might come close with how the abuse happened?

I can answer yes to all of those. I mean, after all, this is the one area in life we did not come to understand in a natural way. Sex was forced on us or some form of sex, therefore making it (at times) very challenging to understand what healthy sexual desires are.

I had an amazing night with my husband not too long ago. He asked me to share some of my weirdest fantasies. Though those will stay between us, I will say there is some sort of freedom in sharing these ideas with him. I have never been one for talking during sex, but knowing I was safe and  he wouldn’t judge me, made it easier to share with him. Over all, I found that many of my fantasies were his and vice-versa. What a relief!

I know to those who have not been abused, this may be a simple conversation, but as I hear about the struggles abused men and women face when having a healthy sex life, I am determined that there  has got to be a way to enjoy what was once our worse nightmare. I do believe finding that right person to have sex with is huge. No I am not talking about Mr./Misses Right. What I am talking about is a person who you trust with everything you have. Someone who isn’t going to judge you when you freak out during sex, or better yet, someone who will comfort you while you are freaking out during sex. There is a lot to learn here…this person must be patient!

Confidence in sex does progress slowly. Even the hottest person didn’t just wake up one day and have all the confidence they needed to take on the world. Assuming they have led a sexual assault free life, know that survivors may have a little more to go. I think it’s great to say “I can enjoy sex!” There is nothing wrong with liking sex. There is nothing wrong with enjoying some of the situations that happened to you.

One of the ways my father always touched me was through massage. Now what human wants to give up massages? (LOL). So I had to face the fear so that I could enjoy the very instance that was always so horrible as a child. I am a better person for not allowing that abuse consume my life.

Final point:  Stay strong! This is just part of the healing process. No one says this will happen over night. I will agree that at times it will suck. Don’t berate yourself because you have a melt down during sex. Don’t get hung up on positions, ideas, comments, how to’s….just enjoy it! Figure out what bothers you and avoid those for now. For instance, I will never wear a mask during sex. Make sure you are completely honest with the person you are having sex with. They need to know where you are coming from. Some couples find it helpful to have a key phrase that clues in the other person that things aren’t going well. Find what works for you and  your partner and run with it.

Good luck.

Hugs,

Tiffani Wampler

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Trusting me to be me. Is that possible?

  • Posted on December 22, 2009 at 5:15 pm

Good question. While there is great need for people to understand who they are no matter what type of childhood they have been presented with, I find that survivors of abuse (no matter what kind) deal with this struggle constantly. We were raised one way, and even though we completely understand it was not the right way, it was who we were for so many years.

For instance, I was raised to think that men only desire women on a sexual level. OUCH! So it took me many years to understand that my self worth is greater than only sex, that I as a person, am not defined by sex. WoW..but that was a difficult task and years of work. In all honesty, I am still struggeling with it today. I know that I need to learn healthy boundaries in order to maintain adult relationships, including those with my husband, but that does not mean the change is over night or easy.

For years I have been the women who joked sexually with everyone. If someone had a personal question they knew to ask me because I would certianly provide an honest answer and wouldn’t judge them one way or another. I know so many deep secrets about everyone in life and part of this is because I am so very open/honest with everyone. I like that about me. I like that people know they can trust me. I like knowing people want to lean on me for particulars in their life they feel they have no one else to run to. That is a good thing. So this level of honesty has gotten me places that not all people can talk about.

BUT this level of honesty doesn’t work for my marriage. As my sexual banter with men and women brings forth the trust issues that we struggle with because I chose to cheat when we were engaged. OUCH (again)!!! I know the pain I caused and the confusion my husband must feel. So there are areas about myself I agreed I would change to better myself and our relationship. First, do note I agree the changes need to be made. Second, do understand I am making them for myself. However, this is really hard work as it presents a struggle with who I have always been and where I want to be in life. WHo I am versus who I think I should be; completely incompatable at this very moment.

I want to be a women who is well respected, trusted, intelligent, a great mother, sister, and friend. I want to be someone who at the end of the day is still content with the choices they have made. Typically, this is who I am to all my friends and family but then I disect my marriage and I worry what will it be? Does my husband have the patience to wait on me to correct the things that have hurt him in the past? Does he want to give me the time to realize what I need to fix for myself, not for him?

I already know the answers. Do know that my husband is aware of this inner struggle I have. I have shared with him the very difficulty it is to baiscaly change 17 years of who I have been (starting with the abuse). I do understand I am a WIP and I do feel I always will be, but at some point I need to wake up to who I really am versus who I wish I was.

The reality is I was abused. Because of that abuse I do things a little differently. I am normal and do normal things for those who have been abused, such as cheat. Self harm is huge in abuse. I choose not to cut, drink, abuse drugs, or anything that physically harms myself. But I have spent 17 years destroying relationships as it is easier to A) live with the drama, B) not have a relationship at all. I do not want to be alone, nor end my marriage. This is not where all of this is going.

What I want people to understand is that it’s okay to have no idea how to define yourself or to know what is “normal.” No one person can truly define normal, therefore we shall define what we feel is normal for us.

I am not  blaming my past choices on the abuse. I do not use my abuse to excuse my behaivors or choices I have made in life. But the reality is, the abuse does reflect in the mirror while I stand there even after all this time.  It’s like the person who was an alcoholic, who stopped drinking for 10 years but later dies of liver failure. Though, they did the right thing and moved towards a healthy lifestyle, they still dealt with the struggles that years of abuse brought to their life. So there will be things I continuously do simply because I was abused. That need not be over looked. We are all who we are because of the circumstances we have lived through. I AM NO DIFFERENT! Nor are any other survivors out there.

So much work. Totally exhausted today.

Tiffani Wampler

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Sex

  • Posted on December 21, 2009 at 2:54 pm

One of the more complicated task survivors face is learning how to enjoy something they were robbed of as a child. Some survivors are completely capable of going through the physical motions sex offers, but they do not allow themselves to get emotionally attached. Other people may choose to refrain from sex all together as it takes them back to the sexual abuse. Of course there is the inbetween people, but the first two are the more “typical” responses of having sex and sexual relations.

I am the first one. I am capable of having no emotions during sex therefore making a long term relationship even more complicated. Thankfully, I am quite emotioanlly bonded with my husband, but that has taken years of hard work and therapy to get there. Before him, and while I was waiting on my father to go to prison it was easy to go through the motions of sex and never  once get attached to the person I was sleeping with. It didn’t cause many problems for me, in the moment, but looking back I know I did not make healhty decisions. I do not know how it effected the men in my life at that time, as I do not talk to them now, but I can recall a few questions of why sex was not an issue for me. If I had not found such a patient and understanding husband, I am sure I would still be struggeling with this issue as there was no need to work on it, until it became a problem.

For the survivors who choose to not have sex, I completely understand the feeling. It is extremely challenging to get in a safe zone while doing something that was once so painful and hurtful to you. However, in the long run you are damaging yourself and potential relationships. There is a way to have safe/emotional sex without sending yourself into a downward spiral. Set rules. Make sure you can explain to your partner what freaks you out or causes a trigger. Even if you cannot express why, they should completely understand they just need to follow the rule. One rule may be soemthing like “you can’t be tied up”. This is a typical fantasy for many, but there is nothing wrong with you just because you can’t stand it. For me, I cannot wear anyhing on face, not even a sleeping mask. We all have our things that don’t work for us. IT is okay to express those . Learning to trust your instincts and your partner is huge here.

My husband understands that I am open to trying different things with him, but he knows that if in any moment I need to stop that he has no choice but to listen. Sometime we have to go as far as stopping sex all together, other times we can just do something different and move forward. Either way, this is one area he doesn’t fight me on or try to convince me otherwise. It hasn’t always been easy, but as we get deeper into the sexual abuse he understands that there are just boundaries he needs to not ever cross.

Does this mean it will always be this way? ABSOLUTELY NOT! There are things I can enjoy now that used to freak me out and send me into total depression, that I can certainly be involved in now. I don’t fear too much when it comes to sex, but I am still completely capable of turning off my emtions even with my own husband. It is all about working towards a goal. My goal is to understand total saftey with him. I am sure we will get there, but baby steps are needed.

Hugs to all and their healing process.

Tiffani Wampler

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T’is the Season

  • Posted on December 18, 2009 at 8:36 pm

I know I typically only blog about my healing process or things I find in the media, but tonight I wanted to take time to be thankful for the gifts I have in my life. I am very blessed, despite my up  bringing, with more than just a handful of things to be grateful for. I have to first thank my husband who is more than just the light of my life. He is my best friend at times, he feels like the only person I know who will love me throughout my ordeals. I have issues that are not in his control that do effect our relationship on a daily basis. I know that this will not always be the case as I continue to heal, but it is the circumstance for now.

I have to thank the members of my family who actually support me. I don’t want to call them out by name as then to “single” out the ones who I feel no support from would only cause more havic in my life then need be. However, those who do support me and take time to read my sight your actions speak louder than words! Thanks so much for caring enough to read my words and what my life was/is really like.

To the “fans” of the site, I am grateful to be helping you out and in turn you give me the gift of healing as well. I help out for no other reason then to help end this horrible epidemic, but I will say I do get a lot back while helping. NOt only do I love emailing back and forth about our trials and tribulations, but I also take great pride in knowing I talked someone off the ledge or was able to offer an ear of support when they thought no one else cared. Hugs to you and all that you will continue to go through as you heal. I do promise it is all worth it. It will not be easy, but then again, I never said it was.

Hugs,

Tiffani Wampler

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Hating who I am but excited about who I will become!

  • Posted on December 8, 2009 at 9:14 pm

There are so many side effects to be sexually abused. Learning to like yourself has got to be one of the hardest symptoms to over come. On the surface I am okay with me. I love helping other people, sharing my story, and assisting in other people’s progress to their healing path. I have never denied the fact that I am still in therapy and today is certainly a day where I needed her on speed dial.

I know that I have no concepts of what a normal and healthy relationship can be. I was taught at a very early age that sexual attention is how we get attention. I was not taught to use my intelligence to gain respect and love from other people. Thus, I have treated myself like crap in thinking I can only have positive attention from people through sexual experiences/attention. I do not like that I am this way. Though I know that this has been an ongoing issue, by no means does that mean I have been completely honest with myself and those I love.

Truth, I do not know how to have a relationship. I can parent, but damn this marriage stuff is hard work. I do believe one can have a successful relationship having not dealt 100% with the past, but I am learning that having not dealt with this particular issue continues to create problems that I do not own the tools to fix. I use sexual banter to continue a conversation or to gain the attention of whom I am speaking to. This is not healthy. It has created many issues within my marriage because I do not know when I should stop at a joke or conversation with men/women.

I have always been a huge flirt and to a degree my husband agreed there is a healthy amount one can flirt. I take it too far. I push the envelope to the point of giving others the hope that a) it could happen, b) I actually want it to happen, and/or c) that they then start wanting more. This is not my goal. I do not want people to think I want them in ways I only desire my husband. I want my husband to understand that I only love him and want him sexually. However, I do gain attention rather the right kind or not.

So I am working on a new plan. I can’t say what the plan is. I will need to do my research on it, read a few more books, and talk to my therapist. However, I know that this is a huge problem interfering with my marriage.

Hugs,

Tiffani Wampler

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What would you say to your abuser?

  • Posted on October 7, 2009 at 2:27 pm

I had posted a questions on Daily Strength asking my friends what they would say if they could confront their abuser. I had some great responses and asked if I could post a few here…Thanks for those who wanted to share their story.

Please let us know what you would say.

Hugs for all.

“I would say among “Why?”…how it has affected me …I feel like something was taken from me and i can never get it back…kwim?…What my abuser did was wrong and sometimes I think it would be wonderful for them to say sorry and really mean it but also to admit that they did something so very wrong…Incest is something that you are made to feel like you should just “shut-up”…well I think that is so wrong…we are expected to act like NOTHING has happened and it has and I have found not only do I have a hard time trusting others I have a hard time trusting myself.
This was and is not our fault…it’s impact isn’t just fleeting but “forever”…I think I would like to tell mine I hate him, for what he did, for ALL that I LOST…mostly I want to really make them understand how much this can destroy someone’s LIFE and I don’t mean theirs.
I wish others would understand that we have to break this cycle and that incest survivours have a right to their voice…no more “silent Screams”. An end to the PAIN.”

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Tyler Perry’s Letter to his fans

  • Posted on October 7, 2009 at 12:17 pm

I am anxiously awaiting the release of Precious. Not that I suffered physical abuse however, I do feel that no matter the type of abuse one suffers, the emotional baggage that comes with it, must be pretty similar. I am sure the movie will cause quite a few tears and for some, an emotional release of all they have carried through the years.

After listening to the Bobby Bones show this morning and hearing the comments made about Tyler Perry’s letter I was compelled to read the Memories at 40 blog. My heart bleeds for him and all that he suffered as a child. No one has any right to cause any human that much pain, much less a helpless child who had no choice but to suffer through it. I am amazed he was able to live through his childhood, thankfully he didn’t see other options.

I hope his story reaches the hearts of those who have suffered or are suffering and proves that no matter how horrible life can be, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. He certainly has found his.

Again, you can find his Letter to His Fans here : http://www.tylerperry.com/_Messages/

Hugs to all

Tiffani Wampler

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