Living A Secret A Resource for Survivors of Incest and Sexual Abuse

I was asked how I feel about parenting my own children. Can I hug them? Can I bathe them? Can I love them without worry that I won’t cross boundaries? How do I tell them I love them? What do I do to make sure they are safe? Do they have a relationship with my father? Do they know about the abuse? and so forth.

Parenting is a challenging task for anyone who doesn’t suffer PTSD, much less someone who does. I have a hard time with that label, but for the sake of over explaining myself we will run with it. Before I was a mother, I could never imagine anyone ever hurting their own child, or anothers. As a mother, I feel that deeper than I could have imagined it would actually feel like. I love being a mom. I love that I have a chance to raise three beautiful boys who will grow up to understand a woman’s worth! But, it hasn’t always been easy.

The only time I have actually freaked out during a parent moment was when my oldest kiddo was 18months old. He was not cut currectly with his curcumsion and therefore, he would get a penis infection often. It would require extra cleaning and a cream to placed on him through out the day with diaper changes. The medicine didn’t burn but for some reason he would just throw a fit about it all. I hated every moment of it. I was seperated from my ex, so I was the only one who could it in my house. After each time I would have to take a moment to calm myself and move on to play Candy Land or some other task with him to show him I love him. I felt like the worse parent in the world but I knew if I didn’t apply the cream that he would hate me worse for “destroying” a part of him (physically). Since then, we have continued to follow doctor orders  but at least now he is old enough to do it on his own. Phewwww, I survived that

I do not have any other issues with touching my children. Bathing them is not an issue, nor is lotioning my son’s senstive skin. However, that is not the norm. Many people have a difficult time touching their children rather in love or need be to do simple things like clean a booboo. It is important to remember that you are not doing to your child as what was done to you. You are assisting your child in a healthy way that will cause them to grow into healthy children. Though it may be emotionally easier for you to not hug your child, in the long run your child will grow resentment towards you for not being there. Of course, when they are an adult you could explain to them why you reacted the way you did, but could you imagine going through life without healthy hugs? I certianly cannot!

Saying I love you may be a challenge as well. After all, you only know a sick and twisted love. Therefore, what is love? What is healthy love that respects boundaries? These are all tools that are common sense to those who have not been abused, but for us we were never taught what healthy boundaries are in any aspect of our lives, including parenting! Therefore, if these are things you questions and are unsure of, please speak to a doctor or therapist about appropriate behaviors with children. We all know NOT to touch them THERE, but things like not hugging will have an impact on them.

Try to focus on what type of “dream” parent you wanted. I wanted a father to hug me when I was sad. A dad who could give me guy advice without agenda. A dad who would fix my car and not get jealous because my boyfriend was with me at the time. I wanted a father who respected my body and understood it was not his playground. I wanted to feel safe and not need a bedroom door lock. Therefore, because I know what I wanted, I can focus on giving that to my children. You’re children cannot hurt you. They will not get mad at you because you make small screw ups (lets all understand we will never be perfect, nor anyone else) but they will certainly hate you if you do the opposite of what should have been in your life.

An important part of my life is knowing the signs of when I am about to freak out, children around or not. This way I can make sure that I am not having a break down infront of my children. Extremely, important so my children understand (or at least think) I can handle ups and downs in a healthy manner. Therefore, if you know that giving your children a bath is going to freak you out, it is okay to ask for help. However, for the single parents out there, is left with little options for help. Make sure you are able to communicate everything you need from the people around you. IT IS OKAY TO ASK FOR HELP! Don’t worry what people will think. Odds are the ones you’d ask help from understand this part of you.

My step son who is 11 does know I was abused. We allowed him to watch the GMA clips. He does not know the extent of the abuse or that this website even exists. It is important for me that all my children grow up knowing my truths, however it is all age appropriate. My six year old does not know any of this. He has seen pictures of my father and I will explain to him that he is his biological grandfather (of coure I had to explain that) but that he will never be part of his life. That was easy for him then, who knows when he gets older what questions he will bring to me. I do not keep the pictures of my father out, or talk about him infront of my children, therefore it keeps questions to a minimum.

With that said, my children will NEVER be around my father. I do not understand anyone, even if they have forgiven their abuser, who would want their child infront of them. I do not feel this is an “illness” that they heal from. No matter how much work one may do, the odds are they will abuse again. It might be a few years after they have “forgiven” themselves and moved forward, but I feel that those who could put thier own children infront of their abuser or a child molesters is only putting their child in harms way. I have been asked how I feel about supervised visits and I STORNGLY DISAGREE with those as well, as my father would touch me infront of people all the time. It only takes someone to turn their head for them to do something. They are masters at covering up the abuse, don’t be fooled into thinking otherwise.

I know this is a difficult subject. Talking about parenting is never easy especially when you are convinced you will somehow screw your kids up. I promise you that the mistakes you will make (as long as you are not abusive) will not amount to those mistakes made in your life. There is a day when you can hug your child and trust that it is only a hug.

Hugs,

Tiffani Wampler